I let myself do something that is, in my life, a cardinal sin. I allowed myself to imagine what I'd be doing if I had my old life back.
I was down in the pool, the air was freezing, it was raining, I was tired and Kayley and Rogan kept jumping all over me. I made them go make a lot of noise and splashes in the corner of the pool and took a moment to just close my eyes. Without realising I was day dreaming about what I'd normally be doing on a cold winter day.
As a rule, Sunday's were my non-contact days. I tried not to see anyone or speak to anyone. So I know that I would have slept in until about 10am in my lovely little flat and got up to do a bit of house work, washing etc. I'd have browsed the net for a bit, read a bit of my book, done something creative, had an afternoon nap, watched some delicious drama on UK TV. I'd have something wholesome prepared for dinner, had a hot bath with my book, got into my pajamas about 5pm, closed all the curtains, got the fire going and revelled in the bliss of aloneness.
Quite a different scenario from the one I lived today: and blatantly obvious why I do not let myself look back on what life used to be like. Yes, my life is fuller. Yes it's full of joys I had no idea about. Yes I am so blessed to have three beautiful, intelligent, inquisitive . . . and noisy . . . children. That's not to say I didn't love my past life either.
But . . . as with every difficult day, I have half an hour to myself once they're all in bed, then I go into each of their rooms and see them sleeping all snuggled and warm and know that the day is done, we survived and I still love them more than life itself.